“You’re so beautiful…”
It seems like saying “nice” things to someone would be a good thing…
So, why doesn’t it help you when it comes to attracting the right woman for you?
That’s what this article is all about: Compliments and their effect on your dating life…
And here’s the truth:
Compliments don’t make a woman more interested in you and they can actually destroy attraction if you’re not careful.
So why is that and what should we do about it?
Why compliments don’t help you attract a woman…
There are a few reasons why compliments DO NOT help you attract a woman:
1. Women have been taught from an early age that you’ll say anything to get with them…
So, they tend to read your ACTIONS a lot more than your words.
If you think she’s beautiful and amazing, ask her open-ended questions to get to know her better, ask her out, go for a kiss by the end of the second date, etc. <==These actions show her that you like her vs. telling her with your mouth.
You don’t have to tell her.
Plus, even if you’re simply giving her genuine compliments with no ulterior motive, she has no way to fully trust that you don’t have an ulterior motive or want something from her.
One light compliment can feel good to a woman; after that the more compliments you give her the more she starts to think that you want something from her, that you’re needy, and/or that you’re desperate.
And, of course, neediness and desperation are female repellants.
And so is acting like an over-complimentary used car salesman who just wants something from you.
The way you feel when that happens is the way she feels when you over-compliment her.
Nobody enjoys that and it’s not what an attractive, good man does.
So, cut down the number of compliments you give a woman and you’ll do better.
2. A compliment can actually be seen as an invasion of privacy…
If you’re from the UK, you might have an understanding of this concept already (see this TEDx Talk about American vs. British politeness if you want. It’s interesting)…
Here’s why a woman might feel like you’re invading her privacy when you compliment her even if that’s not your intention:
If you just met her or you’re on your first, second, or third date with her, then you don’t really know her very well yet.
So, if you’re very attracted to her and your interest in her is very high, you might PROJECT all kinds of positive qualities onto her, but that doesn’t mean that she actually has them.
You simply don’t know if she’s really that amazing yet.
And, even if she is amazing, you can’t possibly be completely sure about it and you don’t know all the specific things that make her uniquely awesome yet.
And, as a woman, she understands this because she’s trying to get to know you over a longer period of time to see if she should be interested in you or not. <==I highly recommend stealing this approach to dating…
So, when you tell her how amazing she is, how smart she is, how caring she is, how capable she is, etc. on the first date, in the back of her mind she’s thinking, “How do you KNOW that? We don’t even know each other yet…”
Or, she thinks, “Obviously, he just thinks I’m good-looking (or oh wow, he’s way too into me too fast and/or he must not have many options for women he can date/has no standards beyond looks)…he’s trying to tell me all about myself when he doesn’t even know me very well.”
And it doesn’t make her feel good…
In fact, it usually makes her feel a little sick to her stomach.
Which isn’t what we’re going for. =)
3. It puts her on a pedestal that shows her that she can’t see you as an equal or look up to you…
If you constantly shower a woman with compliments, that just shows her that you think she’s way “above” you.
And, for a woman to be attracted to you and fall in love with you, she has to be able to see you as an equal or someone she can look up to.
So, when you over-compliment her, you destroy her ability to admire you, which destroys her attraction to you.
While you’re trying to make her feel good, what actually makes her feel good is gaining the interest of a high-quality, high-value man that she can look up to.
And complimenting her too much just makes her feel nauseous.
And the same thing goes when you start texting her compliments (don’t do that…) or texting her things like:
“Good morning beautiful…”
You’re just trying to say hi and make her feel good. But it doesn’t. And it definitely doesn’t make her more interested in you.
So don’t start texting her stuff like that (ever).
Now, all of this doesn’t mean that you should never compliment a woman…
And, on the other side of this, you don’t want to put her down either…
So, how should you handle complimenting a woman so it doesn’t backfire on you?
First of all:
LIMIT yourself to ONE genuine compliment per date.
It’s okay to give a woman ONE compliment each time you take her out.
If you stick to this rule, you’ll be fine as long as the compliment you give her is genuine and is NOT about her body parts/sexuality.
So, you can say something like, “You look very nice tonight Amy…” and it won’t have a negative effect on her interest in you as long as you move the interaction forward and don’t give her any more compliments on your date with her.
On the other hand, “You have amazing ta-tas…” probably won’t go over as well (*some women, in some circumstances, will love this one haha. But that’s an advanced class). =)
In general, compliment her on something you genuinely appreciate about her and don’t make it about her body. ONE time per date.
Secondly:
Use SEEM, TODAY, and RIGHT NOW…
For example, “You seem like a really cool person…” is MUCH better than, “You’re a really cool person…”
And, “You look amazing right now…” is MUCH better than “You look AMAZING!!!”
Make sense?
Telling a woman she seems like a capable woman on the first date is NOT an invasion of privacy because you’re saying that you think that about her so far but you’re not saying that you’re completely sure about it yet.
So, when you compliment a woman, use seem, today, and right now to soften the message and make it more palatable to her.
These kinds of “little” things can make a BIG difference with women.
And then lastly:
Instead of complimenting her, playfully challenge her…
For example, “You seem like such a cool person…it’s a good thing I’m not attracted to you at all or we would be in serious trouble ;-)” is MUCH better than, “Listen, I just want to tell you that you are SO beautiful and amazing…”
Let’s break it down:
When you just tell her that she IS beautiful and amazing, it’s final.
You’re already completely convinced that she’s incredible.
There’s nothing left for her to show you…
There’s nothing more you want to know about her…
She has no opportunity to respond or show you more of herself…
It’s heavy and serious…
And she has no way to look up to you when you say something like that.
On the other hand, when you tell her that you like something about her AND that you’re NOT COMPLETELY SURE about her yet at the same time, it’s the opposite:
You like her so far but it’s not FINAL yet…
You’re not completely convinced…
She can still show you some more awesome things about herself that you might also appreciate about her…
You still want to get to know her more and discover more about her…
She has the opportunity to respond to what you said and she can show more of herself to you if she wants…
She can play back at you if she wants…
It’s light and playful…
And, she can look up to you when you say something like that.
In other words, you’re INVOLVING HER in the process.
And, not only does this make her feel like she’s earning your interest (which is what she wants), it also shows her that you’re trying to find out if you should be interested in her because of who she is as a person; not just because you think she’s good-looking.
Plus, she can trust it because it’s clear that you’re not trying to get something from her when you playfully challenge her.
It’s pushing and pulling at the same time (the key to women) and your arrow will never hit its target if you don’t push on the bow and pull back the string at the same time.
I mean, there’s a reason why Cupid has a bow and arrow…
Also, at a deeper level, you’re acknowledging the reality of who she is:
Even if she’s amazing she’s not perfect and when you playfully challenge her she can rest easy that you haven’t created some false, perfect image of her that she will later shatter with her real self.
And remember: Women understand that playful teasing is flirting…
It’s light and fun while compliments are heavy and sappy.
So save the syrup for your Sunday morning pancakes and playfully tease a woman instead of smothering her with compliments.
And then, if you accidentally compliment a woman more than once on a date, just follow it up with a playful challenge to soften the effect.
And, by the way, if you don’t compliment a woman too much, she might compliment you, which is a very strong indicator of interest…
And here’s the best part about this:
If you limit yourself to ONE compliment per date and playfully tease a woman, you’re much more likely to see a lot more indicators of interest from her than if you compliment her too much because she will actually become more interested in you instead of losing interest in you.
This one little adjustment can go a long way.
So, instead of giving a woman lots of compliments, control yourself and give her what actually makes her feel good instead:
Earning YOUR INTEREST over time by being an awesome woman.
And playful teasing of course.
And, if you want to make sure you’re giving a woman everything that makes her fall and stay deeply in love with you, go grab the Attract and Keep Her System right now if you don’t already own it.
Either way, I’ll be back with you soon…
Until Next Time,
Jim
Advanced Free Training:
Attract Women Without Words – Brad Pitt’s Body Language Secrets
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