A student of mine met a woman at a bar recently and she seemed to be interested…
She even gave him her number without him having to ask…
And then, just to make sure he was on the right path with her from the beginning (smart man), he wrote in:
“Hi Jim,
I met met a woman at the bar last night, she hit on me and we chatted for about 2 hours and they had to go – she offered her number without me asking.
Her friend said she likes me…
How long should I wait to text her after getting her number?
Thanks,
-B.R.”
And here’s how I responded:
When you meet a woman, text her THIS…
First of all, it’s a good sign that she gave you her number without asking.
That being said, this is what we call an “advanced class” for 2 reasons:
1. You should have texted her either immediately after she gave you her number OR after you got home…
Something simple like, “So much fun meeting you tonight Alicia =)”
Why?
Because this simple little text solidifies your connection with her, allows her to chase you if she wants because she has your number now as well, AND it allows you to be a challenge and wait a few days to text her before you ask her out because you already solidified your connection with this little text.
This is another reason I prefer to give a woman my number if possible vs. getting hers (either is fine but giving her yours is better if you can swing it):
Now she is texting you first so that “you have her number also” and:
A. If she texts you so you have her number also she most likely has at least some real interest in you (she doesn’t have to ever text you if she’s not interested)…
B. She’s coming toward you right away…
This is what we ultimately want: Her coming toward you.
Because she can’t come toward you and “reject” you at the same time.
2. Since we didn’t send her the solidification text, now we have to kind of clean it up…
So we should text her the next day if possible and make it nonchalant.
And we should speed up asking her out a bit because we didn’t solidify the connection and she doesn’t really know us very well if she met us out at a bar, especially if she had been drinking.
So, in this case, if we didn’t send a solidify text, then we have to go off-script a bit and ask her out for a short date when we text her…
And here’s the thing:
Any time we go off-script and have to do something outside of what we talk about inside Attract and Keep Her the odds of success are lower, even if she was interested in us to begin with.
Make sense?
Excellent.
Alright, so we get it by now:
You should have texted her right after she gave you her number or later that same night and said “Nice (awesome) meeting you tonight (her name) =)” or something similar so she has your number.
Now here’s what I would do at this point since we didn’t send her that one text yet:
Text her between like 11 am and 3 or 4 pm the following day and just say “hey it was cool/fun talking to you last night” or something like that.
Keep it simple and don’t tell her who’s texting her: Hopefully she will know right away (good sign) or she will ask (not so good)…
Then see how she responds.
And then, after a couple messages back and forth, ask her to meet you for a coffee, happy hour, one drink at a wine bar, etc.
Make the date shorter than you want it to be and end on a high note. <==Good advice for the first 3 dates in general…
Then just follow everything inside Attract and Keep Her from there (assuming she says yes and shows up for your date) – for example, wait 4-8 days after your first date and then ask her out on the next date, etc.
Good luck and let me know how it goes!
And then, the day after I replied, B.R. sent me another message:
“That’s weird, she never replied back:
Hey Jenny the Girl from B****** 😉 It was fun chatting with you the other night. Are you out there saving the world today?
(I included some inside jokes there that I thought she might respond to).
Any thoughts as to why she ignored me?”
And now let’s get into why this may have happened and what we can do in a similar situation next time to reduce the chances of a woman not responding:
Why a woman wouldn’t respond to a text
after showing signs of interest…
Alright sir, a few things to note here that come to mind for me:
1. Without me being there and witnessing your entire interaction, exactly when and how you texted her, etc. it’s impossible for me to say 100% for sure why she didn’t text you back…
However, here are some general reasons this situation may have played out this way that we can all learn from:
2. I’ve noticed that men tend to have significantly less success connecting in the future with someone they meet out at a bar at night when both parties have been drinking etc. than other situations i.e. meeting a woman at a friend’s wedding, coffee shop, party at a house, etc.
I think sometimes women feel differently in the morning or they’re not so sure as if they met you under different circumstances.
I can’t say that this is a thing for sure but I have noticed that maybe a woman doesn’t trust her interest from the prior evening if she had been under the influence and we didn’t solidify the connection enough.
What I’m saying is that it’s possible that if you met the same woman in a class or at a brunch she might have been more likely to text you back in general.
Again, I don’t have enough data to say this is absolutely true so take it with a grain of salt…
And one of my friends ended up dating a woman he met at a bar for 5 years a long time ago, so it’s definitely not always the case (he did give her a hard time when she suggested that he take her number though so that might have helped him – more about this later); it’s just that the odds seem to be a bit lower than in other circumstances.
3. It doesn’t matter if she says or her friends say she likes you…
The only thing that matters in terms of gauging real interest is her ACTIONS…
Does she text you back?
Agree to your date invites?
Show up for all dates?
Kiss you back when you go for it?
These are the ONLY “signs” that tell us anything real in the beginning stages of dating (first 2-3 months/6-10 dates).
4. Next time, as we’ve discussed already, text her in the moment or soon after you get her number while you’re still out or right after you just got home so she also has your number and can text you if she wants…
This kind of “seals” your interaction with her.
Or sort of “sets the hook” if you prefer.
And it allows you to be more of a challenge and wait longer to text her to ask her out…because if she has your number she can text you if she wants because she thinks you’re taking too long to text her.
And what we want is to wait and be a challenge OR for her to text us first.
I would just say something like, “So fun meeting you tonight Amber =)”
And that’s it.
5. Since she gave you her number without you asking, I’m assuming you did this but make sure you qualify a woman to solidify your connection:
Banter banter banter…playful tease playful tease haha
QUALIFY: Haha, you seem like such a cool person Brandi…
So, tell me, if you hit the lottery jackpot and never had to work again, what would you do then and why?
^Doing this, giving her a light compliment followed by asking an open-ended question that allows her to share something about herself with you makes it MUCH more likely she’ll show up on the next date (and text you back, etc.).
If you don’t qualify a woman in your first conversation with her, her response rate will be lower and she’ll be less likely to show up for a date.
6. Again, since you didn’t send the solidifying text the same night after you got her number, you should have definitely texted her the next day…
I’m not sure if you did this or not, but “It was fun chatting with you the other night…” tells me that you may not have texted her the next day.
Here’s the thing:
If you don’t text a woman right after you get her number so she has your contact info too, then, in that case, meeting a woman while drunk is almost the same as meeting her online:
You want to get your actual first date set up quickly.
Then, still follow all the rules from there: Keep that first date to 45 minutes to an hour max, do something easy and low-cost/low-key like meet for coffee, ONE drink, hookah, etc. and see if you can have fun with her and make her laugh just with your conversation.
Etc.
So, if you meet a woman online, you don’t really know her yet, so your first “REAL” conversation becomes your first date.
Same thing (almost) if you meet her out while drinking:
Treat your “first” date as kind of a “half-date” where you have your first actual sober conversation with her and then treat your “second” date with her as your first actual date and go from there, following all the rules we cover inside Attract and Keep Her.
And this also means that if you meet a woman online you should ask her to meet you for a coffee or similar within the first 5-10 messages; same thing if you met her out while drinking: set up that first “half-date” when you text her the following day if you can (since you didn’t send a solidifying text).
THEN, slow it down from there.
The reason for this is that until you have a full conversation with a woman sober, you don’t really know each other at all yet.
And she needs that to continue dating you and for challenge to work with her.
7. Your text was a little “wonky…”
We don’t want to try to do too much with texting, especially early on, and even more importantly in the first text.
If it was me, I would have texted her the same night and then left it for a few days, then asked her out.
And if I didn’t do that I would text her the next day at a reasonable daytime hour and just say:
“Yo (Hey) Jessica! So much fun hanging out last night…” (no jokes or anything else that is kind of trying too hard to get her attention etc. We can bring in the jokes/banter later).
HER: Totally. So. fun. How are ya?
ME: I’m good…just working away and trying not to be too hung over haha. U?
HER: Haha same. Enjoying this nice weather today though for sure…
ME: Sounds like I need to go outside for a bit on my break then…
So, hey, let’s meet up for coffee sometime this week. How about Wednesday evening at 6:30? There’s a cool place called Xtreme Cups I love over on State Street if you wanna meet me there?
Etc. in your own style.
Just make sure you include the day, time, and activity/location in your text when you ask her out.
Save the joking, teasing, and connecting mainly for in-person interaction; texting is for setting up the next date and you can add in some flirting/teasing at the right moments.
Remember: If she thinks you’re trying too hard in a text it lowers your value in her mind.
8. And, lastly, as always, this comes down to HER INTEREST LEVEL…
If a woman has real high interest in you, nothing can stop her from trying to hang out with you again. <==Read 3x…
So, if a woman doesn’t respond to a text, declines a date invite without offering a SPECIFIC alternative day/time when she can hang out (Wednesday doesn’t work, can we meet on Thursday at 6:30 instead?), doesn’t show up for a date, or doesn’t kiss us back when we go for it, 99.9% of the time it comes down to one reason: LOW INTEREST.
The question is can we get beyond our ego and accept that fact so we can move on to the next quickly or not.
Remember: Until a woman has shown up for 3 dates with you and has kissed you back when you go for a kiss by the end of the second date, you basically don’t have anything with her yet.
And then, after we get past the 3rd date, we still have to run a bit of a gauntlet until her interest is high enough for her to say, “Hey, where is this relationship headed anyway?”
That’s when we have something solid and we can ask her to be our girlfriend if we want (never sooner – we always wait until SHE brings up the idea of being in a relationship before we ask her to be our girlfriend and we don’t bring it up ourselves).
Again, until then, we have to do everything right in terms of what we talk about in AAKH so her interest keeps going up instead of down like it usually does with most men she meets.
In your situation, I think her interest just wasn’t high enough to push through the fact that you don’t know each other very well yet after one alcohol-soaked conversation.
I would just do radio silence with her – if she ever texts you back (let’s say she texts you in a few days or even in a couple weeks), go forward from there with her (ask her out, etc.).
Otherwise, delete her number and move on.
Do not text her again…
Because if she’s interested in you she WILL text you back at some point as she has your number now and you already took your step toward her and texted her.
Now it’s her turn to take a step toward you or not…
BONUS Pro Tip: If you meet a woman at a bar, whether she’s drinking a lot or not, and she wants to give you her number:
Tease her before you agree to take her number to make it more likely that she’ll text you back and go out with you later…
YOU: “You know, I’d love to get your number and hang out with you again because you seem like such a cool person…but I think you might be too drunk and you’ll probably just forget about this conversation by tomorrow so I’m not really sure if I should take your number or not…”
HER: “Noooooo…..I WILL NOT forget you I promise! And I’m not even that drunk…”
YOU: “Alright then, I guess I’ll take your number. Still think you’re going to forget though haha…”
Since she had to work a bit to give you her number and because you challenged her not to forget and she wants to prove you wrong, she will be more likely to text you back and go out with you later.
Same thing if you want to ask her for her number: Just say, “Hey, so, I would ask for your number right now but I think you might be too drunk and you might completely forget about me tomorrow…”
You can even do this if you know she hasn’t been drinking. Just tease her that you don’t believe she hasn’t been drinking at all and let it go once she protests: “Alright, alright I believe you haha. Here, put your number in my phone then Amber…”
And then send her that solidification text right after as we discussed above.
Alright, sincerely hope this helps sir.
Until Next Time,
Jim
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