One of my best students sent me 2 great questions the other day…
And the answers to these questions are what I call “advanced classes.”
Why?
Because the questions demonstrate that he already has a good understanding of the FUNDAMENTALS we talk about inside Attract and Keep Her.
So, these topics should be considered advanced because it’s more important to understand those fundamentals first, then explore topics like this even though these topics can be helpful on their own.
So, if you don’t already own AAKH, I highly recommend that you get yourself in there with us ASAP.
And now let’s jump into the 2 questions…
Here’s what C.F. wrote in:
“Hi Jim,
Thanks for your reply before, great stuff as always…
I have a couple of questions:
1) Does negative behaviour such as being overly cocky, arrogant, or borderline mean kill attraction with a woman if she likes you and you are demonstrating the 4 attractive male qualities?
You say demonstrating these 4 qualities are the only thing that raises a woman’s interest in us, not being nice, kind, or a good person, so surely not demonstrating the 4 qualities is the only thing that would lower a woman’s interest in us (barring being abusive and an all around horrible human being) not being cocky or even arrogant.
2) Also does being quiet, an introvert and generally a socially awkward person lower a woman’s interest in us if she likes us, even just a little bit, and we demonstrate the 4 attractive male qualities?
If not demonstrating the 4 qualities is the only thing that lowers a woman’s interest then surely we should be ok right?
I myself am a bit of a quiet introvert and can be a bit socially awkward, but I can easily demonstrate the 4 attractive male qualities.
What are your thoughts on these?
Kind regards,
-C.F.”
Such excellent questions…
And here’s my reply:
2 Advanced Classes…
Hi C.F.,
Great to hear from you sir!
First of all, well done on studying the system we cover inside AAKH…it’s clear from your questions that you’re really taking this stuff seriously and studying it all and this will ultimately lead to more success and happiness.
Secondly, let’s jump into your 2 questions one at a time:
Does Negative Behavior Kill Attraction if You’re Doing Everything Else Right?
1. Here’s the deal about this:
First of all, RESPECT, as you may recall from inside AAKH, is one of the 4 things that maintains female interest…
So, if you don’t respect a woman, it can lower her interest level.
This one actually starts when you first meet a woman, while most of the other behaviors that maintain female interest shouldn’t be applied until AFTER she’s already deeply in love with you (see: advanced class!)…
For example, if you’re on a first date with a woman who is at least somewhat interested in you and you check out the female server’s legs while you’re sitting there with her, that can absolutely make her less interested in you.
However, respect doesn’t RAISE female interest level.
So, if you disrespect a woman, it can absolutely lower her interest to 0 or below. On the other hand, respecting her is a baseline factor and it does NOT make her more interested in you.
Make sense?
Awesome.
Secondly, sometimes we misinterpret genuine confidence in another guy as “cockiness” or “arrogance…”
Being sure of yourself and genuinely confident DOES raise female interest (high internal value and internal strength).
Here’s where it gets interesting:
A man who is FAKE confident, arrogant, conceited, cocky, etc. MAY appear confident to a woman at first…
And that can cause her to raise her interest in him.
See, there’s a thing out there we might call the “Male Value Scale…”
It’s kind of how women rate the behavior of men on a scale of 6-10 in terms of attractiveness, kind of like the way men generally rate women from about 6-10 on physical attractiveness.
And a 6 is a guy who is basically supplicating/begging her to like him/seeking her validation.
That’s the MOST unattractive behavior to a woman.
Now, some other guys either put other people down (“negging,” for example) to artificially inflate their own value OR compete with others to gain their value externally. These guys are what we might call “7’s” and “8’s.”
This behavior is more attractive to a woman than a 6…but it’s still not amazing.
Once a woman finds out that a man doesn’t have REAL, INTERNAL value and it’s a façade, her interest will PLUMMET.
So these guys have a hard time keeping a woman attracted/inspiring deep real love in a woman that lasts.
Because they don’t have genuine self-worth and self-esteem; they are still externally motivated.
Now, a woman with low self-esteem might actually stay in a relationship with a guy like this…in fact, some women will even take it if a man is physically violent with her (obviously not cool).
However, a woman with average self-esteem or better will WALK AWAY.
And do we want to be with a woman who has healthy self-esteem or not?
It’s much better to be in a relationship with a woman with average self-esteem or better – otherwise we’re in for problems later on.
So, yes, a woman might be initially attracted to a man who is cocky, etc. but if he doesn’t back it up consistently over time or he becomes too controlling at some point she will walk if she’s the kind of woman we want to be with.
Also, because most men are so supplicating/begging in their mindset while women LOVE challenge, etc. they tend to interpret any guy who can make them feel something as attractive at first…
So, if you’re overly cocky with a woman when you first meet her and you’re still confident the next time but act like less of a “dick” this can still work for you.
The key is to be INTERNALLY validated; this allows you to break rapport with a woman, disagree with her without being disagreeable, and be a CHALLENGE with her naturally because you’re not seeking her APPROVAL; so you do what you want/know you should even if it “risks” her approval. <==This is what’s attractive and “cocky” guys give it to her at first and then don’t back it up/become controlling later and then lose her.
So, a gentleman who isn’t knocked off his path by a woman and doesn’t change his opinions to match hers and who is a CHALLENGE is much better than a guy who’s just arrogant and kind of fun for a hang out or two.
But how many guys out there are like that?
That’s why we’re here. =)
Remember: A man with the highest internal value (one of the 4 male qualities that raise female interest) is NOT cocky or arrogant; just confident. He doesn’t compare himself to others so he doesn’t come off as a jerk even if he’s sure of himself.
To summarize, behaviors that seem “dickish” can make a woman feel strong emotions at first so that’s good…but if you don’t respect her/back up your confidence over time, she will eventually leave unless she has low self-esteem.
And, if your internal value is high enough, you will never need to act this way in the first place.
Alright, let’s move on:
Does Being Introverted Lower Female Interest Level?
2. I have a lot of thoughts about being quiet/introverted/socially awkward and attracting women:
The biggest point here is that NO, being “quiet,” “introverted (you get your energy from being by yourself and it takes energy to be around people),” or somewhat socially awkward doesn’t stop you from raising a woman’s interest level, assuming she’s at least a little bit interested in you when she first sees you/you first meet her…
First of all, as long as you take the correct ACTIONS, it doesn’t really matter how you feel inside (unless it affects your attractive body language, etc).
For example, if you feel afraid but still go for a kiss, and she kisses you back passionately, it doesn’t matter at all that you were nervous before you took that action…
Or, if you feel scared to wait 4-8 days after an awesome date before you ask her out again but you do it anyway, it doesn’t matter how much torture you went through to do it.
All that matters is that you did it.
And if you do all of those things right (demonstrate the 4 attractive male qualities consistently via your actions/behavior), her interest in you WILL go up over time (assuming she’s interested to begin with and is relatively psychologically stable).
If you do all of those things right long enough, she will fall DEEPLY in love with you.
Even if you’re quiet/introverted/etc.
Secondly, being “quiet” can actually be an ADVANTAGE with women.
Why?
Well, most guys talk wayyyyyy too much on a date, especially about themselves.
They think this is how we’re supposed to “get to know each other…”
Nope.
When you’re having a conversation with a woman you want to date or on a date, we want to LET HER TALK as much as possible.
She should be talking 60-80% of the time.
So if you’re quiet this should come more easily to you – just sit back and relax and encourage her to talk a lot.
This makes you seem more mysterious, makes you more of a challenge, and makes her feel like you know each other really well (she thinks you have a strong connection when SHE shares a lot with you about HERSELF, not when you share a lot about yourself).
So lean into this as a strength and let her do the “social work” of talking more instead of bragging about yourself or trying to think of the perfect thing to say back and you’ll do much better.
We can turn this characteristic into a strength.
Third, when you have a GIVING mindset and high internal value, this takes away most of our social awkwardness/nervousness.
Some people have severe/clinical anxiety, PTSD, etc. – I’m not talking about that.
What I mean is that most of the time when we feel nervous in a social situation it’s because:
A. We want something from someone…
So, the more we take care of our own needs and wants and the less we try to get things from others (including approval), the less needy and less awkward/nervous we are when we interact with others.
And, when it comes to women, think of yourself as offering a woman something instead of trying to get something from her and you’ll do much better.
B. We are looking for a specific outcome…
So, the more we just focus on enjoying our time with a woman vs. trying to get a kiss or a girlfriend, the less nervous/awkward we feel.
And the more likely those good outcomes become.
C. We think everyone is looking at us and we’re not sure if we’re cool…
Here’s the thing:
EVERYONE is pretty much only worried about themselves and how cool they look.
So, instead of wondering how YOU look to everyone else, focus on making everyone else feel accepted and cool.
This focus on others vs. our normal “spotlight bias” reduces nervousness and awkwardness.
This also applies to dates:
Remember that SHE is probably nervous also and also cares about how you are perceiving her. Focus on this instead of yourself and you’ll feel and do better.
Plus, you have high internal value (you say you can show the 4 qualities), so you KNOW you’re cool already and you don’t feel the desire to prove it (and so is she – she obviously has good taste in men if she’s with you)…
D. We are doing something we don’t really want to do…
The less you do things you don’t want to do and change yourself in order to be social and the more you lean into who you are and the things you genuinely want to do the less socially awkward and nervous you feel.
So take a woman on dates that YOU genuinely enjoy that you think she will enjoy also.
Bring her into your world at least as much as you try to fit into hers.
Same with friends.
Meet them in the middle?
Sure.
Sacrifice yourself completely?
Never.
Lastly, remember that a woman gets to feel how you feel when she’s around you.
You are the emotional leader.
So, do whatever it takes to create a good INTERNAL state as often as you can…and then share it with the women you’re dating.
If you make yourself feel comfortable, SHE will feel comfortable.
If you make yourself feel genuinely valuable, SHE will feel valued.
If you feel genuinely cool and you don’t put her down because you realize we are all of equal value at the end of the day, she will feel cool and validated around you.
And that means that she’ll also feel insecure around you if you feel that way, etc.
So we have to master our own internal state vs. expecting a woman to help us with it or improve it.
Remember: When you genuinely and consistently love yourself, the love of a good woman follows.
So if you have work to do in that area, GET IT DONE.
Because you deserve to feel good about yourself and to have a good woman in your life who is deeply in love with you. And she deserves to be with you if she really is that great.
Ultimately that’s why we’re here – to create good relationships…
And that all starts with your relationship with yourself.
Alright sir, hope that wasn’t too deep for ya haha…
And I hope I explained everything clearly enough. Make sure you grab Attract and Keep Her if you haven’t already so you understand the fundamentals behind today’s lesson. And then, after that, there’s always more we can learn.
Take care and talk soon…
Until Next Time,
Jim
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