In general, for best results, a man should ask a woman out for a (short) first date, wait a few days, and then ask her out for a second date instead of trying to spend 24/7 with her right away…
And we should generally keep our first 2-3 dates with a woman relatively short and we should be a CHALLENGE with a woman in general as well.
Because challenge is what women want (respond to positively in terms of increasing their genuine romantic interest in you).
But what if a woman is clearly super into you right away?
What if it’s her idea to spend a lot more time together much faster than that (after all, it’s also true that everything’s better when it’s her idea)?
Do we still have to be a challenge with her (the answer, of course, is YES we follow the same exact steps every single time with every woman no exceptions if we want a woman to fall and stay deeply in love…but WHY if she already likes us a lot)?
That’s what top student M.G. asked me about recently…
Here’s the situation he found himself in and his questions about it:
“Yo Jim,
I hope that the below message finds you well…
I had an interesting situation recently.
I met a girl, she is 26 years old, and we moved with everything very quickly. It was a specific situation – she came to my town and met me here and spent the whole time with me – her decision.
Everything was going extremely well, fast and intense – even holding hands while on a walk (I never do that).
After a few days I told her that I can travel to her town, as I have an opportunity from the company. She told me that it’s awesome and she invited me to her place…
We spent a great Sunday together – perfect date.
Then she asked me to stay till Wednesday at her place, but she also told me that she has a lot of work on Monday.
So…I told her that’s completely fine and I want her to focus on work.
I also suggested that I can take a hotel or go for a night to one of my friends, so that she can easily focus on work. She didn’t want that and again told me that she would like me to stay at her place on Monday and Tuesday night.
So…I asked her what time works for her on Monday (what time will she finish her work). She told me that 20:00~ works, but I can come earlier.
I took a takeaway dinner for us and came to her place approx 20:00. But then…she was very nervous and wasn’t really interested in spending time with me.
So in the end…we had a bit of argument and at the end I told her that I don’t want to continue the argument and will give her the space she definitely needs…
I left her apartment and said, “Look, everything was going great, I don’t see any reason for us to make it worse. We had a great night yesterday together and I’d prefer us to have that good memory. Everything is fine, let’s talk later.”
And then she kissed, hugged me and looked very happy. And I left and didn’t talk to her yet. I also sent her just one text message on Monday night – she asked for it: “Hey, everything is fine, as promised, I’m in bed already.”
End of the story. Now I’m not going to contact her until she does that first…
What is your opinion about the situation?
Do you believe I should give her more space than she asked for?
Should I contact her after a few days, if she doesn’t do that?
Is it normal for a woman to behave like that? Was it some kind of a boyfriend test or something?
What do you think?
Why was she so happy when I calmly told her that I’m leaving?
Best,
-M.G.”
And here’s my reply:
Should you give a woman SPACE even if she likes you a lot?
M.G.,
Great to hear from you sir…
First of all, let’s start off with the positives:
1. She was clearly highly interested in you…
And the fact that you also were looking for this and were aware of it as a factor is excellent.
As you know, most men only focus on their interest in a woman when the #1 factor in any (heterosexual) romantic relationship is female interest.
2. She was inviting you to stay and it was her idea for you to spend so much time together…
Remember: When something is a woman’s idea it’s much better for you.
3. You handled the situation very well in the end…
I’m assuming that you have high interest in her; yet, you were still able to notice what was happening and take a step back in a smooth, positive way.
This takes a lot of awareness and internal strength, so well done on how you handled the way that went down – absolutely excellent.
Now, let’s go deeper into this situation to see what else is involved:
“What is your opinion about the situation?
Do you believe I should give her more space than she asked for?”
This is a classic case of too much too soon…
Here’s the deal:
Even if a woman’s romantic interest in you is 7 or 8 (or even 9+) out of 10 when she first meets you…
You still shouldn’t spend so much time with her right away.
Even if it’s HER idea.
You MUST create time and space away from each other so that she can miss you, think about you, wonder about you, etc.
This is what makes a woman’s interest go up and eventually turns into her being deeply IN LOVE with you.
Spending too much time together too soon puts out that fire.
Not only does being a challenge raise female interest in the early stages of dating (and solidify it over the course of 2-3 months if it’s already 9/10), demonstrating SELF-CONTROL also increases female interest while showing a lack of self-control in terms of giving her too much attention too soon lowers female interest.
She knows you’re dying to see her and yet you still control yourself and stick to the system anyway because you understand that it’s best for both of you LONG-TERM = WINNING.
This is what ultimately allows a woman to fall and stay deeply in love with you.
And even if a guy is amazing with women and does everything else right it doesn’t matter – the fact that so much time and energy is being invested too soon will always threaten female interest level.
Think about it like this:
We want a woman to be a little FRUSTRATED that you’re not spending enough time with her in the beginning stages of dating vs. getting tired of you…
Frustration is very similar to attraction in the early stages of dating.
It’s like that cookie that her parents won’t let her have…she throws a tantrum when she doesn’t get it…
Then, after being good for a while, she finally gets to have the cookie.
That’s what female interest is like.
And, if she always gets it just because she wants it, and she gets 1000 cookies in one weekend…
Well, now she has a stomach ache and doesn’t want any cookies for a long time.
And that’s not good for you OR her.
Again, it doesn’t matter how high her interest is to begin with; this amount of time and energy this soon will almost always crush her interest or at least make her back up at some point.
Because she should be chasing you and you should be giving your attention to her sometimes; not every time.
That’s what being a challenge really means:
Yes, I’m going to take you out for an amazing time…
I’m going to lead…
And I’m going to ask you out again.
But I’m not going to spend time with you all weekend twice in a row when we just met just because we have high interest in each other.
I’m going to be a challenge and show my self-control because I know that’s better for you, me, and our connection in the long-run.
I want to make it all the way home; not get left on second base after the passion fizzles out.
So, in this case, instead of offering to get a hotel, you should have just DONE it. Even if she wanted you to stay with her.
You are the LEADER so you make that decision and stick to it no matter how much you want to see her/she wants to see you.
It’s this self-control that is the biggest gift to a woman.
If you did this, it might have helped keep her coming toward you (which is obviously what we want).
It’s hard to say because I wasn’t there to see how everything played out the entire time, but you did do many things too fast too soon just because she had high interest in you (and because you have high interest in her).
Now, if you’re just going for hookups, then it’s not a problem…
However, if you want to be in a long-term relationship with a woman who is deeply in love with you…
Then we want her interest to go UP and it can’t if we do these kinds of “time binges” with a woman too often too soon.
And that’s one reason why long-distance almost never works out for a long-term relationship:
Distance KILLS challenge.
First of all, it communicates to a woman that you don’t have any good options in your home city/town…
“Why is this guy putting in so much effort with me when we just met? Aren’t there any good women where he lives that he can date? Hmmm….”
Even if she has high interest in you, this kind of interest-killing subconscious thought will start to creep in.
Secondly, it creates a situation where it’s easy to spend a LOT of time together in one sitting…
Even if you’re great with women, spending a weekend with someone for your first or second date is always going to be worse for the long-term stability of a romantic connection than starting with a short first date, letting her think about you and wonder about you after the date, taking her on a fun but not all day second date, letting her think and wonder about you, and then taking her on a fun third date (that still shouldn’t even be a full day)…
In other words, giving a woman small doses of you over time is always better than blasting her away with a firehose, even if you’re the most awesome man on earth.
And even if she wants more of you – this is what we want and we feed this feeling vs. sating it. We eventually give her a taste but we don’t ruin her cravings.
We keep her coming back for more.
The only time this can work out is if a woman’s interest is 9+ out of 10 when she first meets you and already wants to marry you right away…
But even then there’s a good chance that even her high interest at that level will be crushed into oblivion by too much of you too soon.
You either break even with her or you lose; so it’s never a winning move no matter what.
Remember: Until a woman asks you, “Where is this relationship headed anyway?” or brings up the idea of being in a relationship with you, we’re not all the way there yet with her so we have to stick to the plan.
“Should I contact her after a few days, if she doesn’t do that?
Is it normal for a woman to behave like that? Was it some kind of a boyfriend test or something?
What do you think?
Why was she so happy when I calmly told her that I’m leaving?”
Yes, I would give it a few days and then text her…
If she doesn’t live close to you then I wouldn’t consider it a possibility for a long-term relationship until one of you moves close to the other.
THEN that’s when things can start.
So, for me, if she lives far away (it takes more than 30 minutes or so to get to her place from yours), then I would consider her a “fun friend” and flirt with her sometimes and then when she’s coming to town or I was going there I would invite her to hang out.
I would not put her on the relationship track regardless of how good she looks or how amazing she seems.
So, in that case, try to keep it light and fun when you text her…
And, if she lives close enough to you for you to go for a romantic relationship, I would text her in a few days and ACT AS IF NOTHING IS WRONG.
Just try to move forward as if everything is good, cool, fresh and optimistic.
Let the past go and “reset” – you will lead this process.
Then, just wait a while longer and ask her out on your next date.
And treat it as a second or third date vs. a 6th date.
Just focus on keeping it light and FUN with NO PRESSURE about “where things are going” re: a relationship.
If she still has any interest left and she agrees to your date and shows up, just follow the AAKH system from there.
If not, then it’s time to move on – lesson learned.
Yes, it’s normal for a woman to act like that if she was highly interested in a guy and got too high of a dose of him too soon. Even a good drug doesn’t feel good anymore if you do too much. =)
And this is also why she was calm and happy when you mentioned you were leaving – you understood what was happening, took care of it, and now she felt relieved.
Next time we just won’t allow this to happen in the first place.
Now, there might be something else going on here that I’m not aware of based on your email – she may have other circumstances that I don’t know about…like maybe she has a husband or boyfriend and started to feel guilty.
But based only on what you said in your email the only conclusion I can draw is that this is simply a classic case of too much too soon with a woman who was highly interested.
And that’s what I hate to see the most: it’s one thing if a woman simply isn’t interested…
That’s the most common cause of male dating and relationship problems: Low Female Interest.
But when a woman IS interested and the guy makes some avoidable mistakes that lower her interest it hurts me almost on a physical level. =)
Because it’s unnecessary for that to happen if we just follow the system we talk about inside Attract and Keep Her without making an exception for a woman we “really really like,” who seems to like us a lot right away, or who happens to be extra good-looking, etc.
If anything, we should train ourselves to stick to the plan even more when we really like a woman.
Alright sir, I sincerely hope this helps.
I’m 100% on your team and want you to be happy and successful.
Take care and talk soon sir…
Until Next Time,
Jim
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