I generally hate it when people talk about having a “balance” in life for the most part…
First of all, it’s usually cliché, meaningless advice.
And, sometimes, it’s clearly better to hyper-focus on one or just a couple areas of life and prioritize…
However, when it comes to a man’s success with women, striking the right BALANCE is a crucial concept.
This balance simply MUST be there or something will go wrong:
The ideal behavior for a man in terms of attracting a woman for one night or a lifetime is a perfect BALANCE between leading and being a challenge…
Between taking steps forward and taking steps back…
Between taking action and controlling himself, pulling back and waiting, and not reacting at the right times.
That’s actually one of the main reasons dating can be difficult:
Sometimes we should take action and sometimes we should pull back and wait…
And when you’re super interested in a woman your mind will be working against you and giving you all kinds of bad ideas about what you should do. =)
Sometimes, it tries to hold you back from taking actions you should take like approaching her, asking for her number, asking her out, etc.
Other times, it puts pressure on you to take actions you should not take like texting her one too many times, telling her your feelings too much too soon, asking her out for your next date too soon, etc.
So, how can we lead things with a woman and give her that masculine “dominance” that she craves while also respecting her, not taking advantage of her, or being controlling with her?
Well, that’s what one of my top students asked me about a few weeks ago…
Here’s what he wrote in:
“Hi Jim,
I think I have a great question that might even be good for a newsletter/article/YouTube video…
Here goes:
We know women want a man who is dominant, yet they want someone who is dominant, but NOT controlling. The question is how do you SAFELY demonstrate dominance without coming across as controlling?
-D.E.”
This is such an excellent question because it cuts straight to the heart of male/female dynamics…
Here’s my reply to D.E.:
How to LEAD with a Woman without being CONTROLLING…
Hi D.E.,
Thanks for writing in and thanks for the question…
The answer is simple and complex at the same time.
When it comes to the kind of men women have to choose from, let’s break it down into 3 main archetypes:
1. Nice guys (weak guys)…
These guys put her on a pedestal and she’s unable to feel the genuine feelings of attraction and love for them because there’s no tension and she can’t look up to them or respect them…
A nice (weak) guy demonstrates that he’s weak when it comes to her so she thinks he’ll also be weak when he’s interacting with the world with her/for her.
2. Jerks…
These guys either tear her down or have inflated egos and think they’re better than her. They don’t respect her.
A jerk demonstrates that she’s inferior to him or that he’s superior to her in his mind.
While she can feel the emotion of attraction for him because the tension is there, because he doesn’t respect her, a woman with average self-esteem or better will eventually leave him.
He also demonstrates that he is controlling over time…
And that means only a woman with low self-esteem will stick around long-term.
3. GENTLE MEN…
These guys don’t put her on a pedestal but they don’t put her (or themselves) down either…
They lead but they don’t put up with her sh*t…
They are good to her but they call her out when necessary.
They lead things forward but are open to her input, respect her, and control themselves while NOT trying to control her.
The gentleman demonstrates that he is strong with her and therefore she understands that he can be strong for her while also having a softer side that she can earn by being an awesome woman.
She feels a high level of tension with him AND she feels extremely comfortable with him at the same time.
She RESPECTS him (the foundation of genuine feelings of female love) and she feels that he respects her.
He’s looking for an awesome woman and when he finds one he leads the process of attracting her properly, he allows her to fall deeply in love with him, and then he doesn’t take advantage of her just because she’s a good woman with high interest in him.
This kind of guy is like a unicorn to a woman…
Because he strikes the perfect balance of being a gentleMAN, she can’t help falling deeply in love with him and staying deeply in love with him (as long as she was interested in the first place and he wants to be with her).
So how can we be a gentle man that is dominant yet not controlling?
Well, we have to push AND pull…
For example, when you ask a woman out on a date, you are pulling her in…
When you wait 4-8 days after your date to ask her out on the next date, you are pushing her away.
Then, when you ask her out again after a few days have passed, you are pulling her in once again.
We MUST do both if we want her to have genuine, deep feelings for us.
We have to lead things forward AND not chase her…
We have to take active steps AND not rush into rejection…
We have to take a step forward and then control OURSELVES and not try to control her…
For example, let’s say you ask her on a date…
That’s leading…
Then, let’s say she declines your date offer and doesn’t offer you a specific alternative day and time when she can meet up with you…
Now it’s time to pull back and wait (or move on).
It’s time to control yourself and NOT take further action.
If she’s interested, she’ll reach out to you at some point and make an effort to see you – at that point you can ask her out one more time if you want.
And she’ll be more interested because you didn’t just keep asking her out while you would have crushed any remaining interest she had by continuing to ask her out after she declined your offer.
And, if she just wasn’t interested, it wouldn’t have mattered what you did…so you can safely move on if she never reaches out.
So, you want to lead the process forward, but you don’t just keep taking steps forward; she must also take a step before you take the next one.
Remember: You can’t control HER and you shouldn’t try…
When you make a “move” and she doesn’t pass a checkpoint (she declines your date invite/doesn’t show up for a date/doesn’t kiss you back etc.) you have already done everything you can do.
There are no more moves to make. =)
Except controlling yourself and not reacting/taking more action toward her.
The “game” is over unless she makes a move toward you at that point.
When you understand that you cannot control her actions or responses yet you CAN control yourself and you lean into leading while controlling yourself (by not reacting and pulling back/waiting/moving on at the right times), you will find yourself with an abundance of female interest all around you.
Knowing and accepting what is actually within your control and what is not and basing your actions on that reality is a BIG part of not being controlling with a woman.
Also, you want to lead AND be open to her response/input…
For example, when you meet a woman for coffee or take her out for a meal, just pick a (any) table and lead her to it…
UNLESS she offers you a better place to sit – then just go with her suggestion if you want.
Assume you will choose where to sit until she offers an alternative. Then you can be flexible with it.
And when you ask a woman out on a date, ask her for a specific day, time, and activity…
If she has a better idea, doesn’t like the date idea you came up with, and/or would prefer to meet up at a different time (and she’s interested in you), SHE WILL LET YOU KNOW…
And then you can go with her suggestion if you want.
So LEAD and then GO WITH THE FLOW…
Put yourself out there and then be open to her input.
This is that golden balance that makes women more attracted to you if you’re just going for hookups and fall deeply in love with you if you want a long-term relationship.
You want to be a “nice” (good) guy with an EDGE or an attractive man with a softer side…
Remember that when it comes to male/female dynamics a “nice” guy just means a weak guy with no BACKBONE who doesn’t take the lead…
We are STRONG and GENTLE at the same time.
We have high INTERNAL STRENGTH so we can work both sides of this with ease.
When it comes to a woman, we don’t change our tastes and opinions for her and we express them freely; at the same time, we respect her reality and don’t expect her to change hers either…
Changing your tastes and opinions to gain a woman’s approval is called “preference falsification” and it lowers female interest.
Over time, so does not respecting her reality as well.
A jerk tries to tell a woman she’s wrong (or at least that he’s right)…
A nice (weak) man changes his opinions and preferences to match hers…
A strong, attractive man sticks to his opinions and respects hers at the same time.
Both of these “sides” take INTERNAL STRENGTH and internal strength raises female interest…
So, we also show our internal strength by taking risks (going for a kiss) AND being cool with all outcomes (if she doesn’t kiss us back it’s no big deal – we are proud of ourselves for taking the action, not “getting” a specific outcome, which we can’t control).
We take a step forward, then we pull back, look around, listen, and wait…
We show a woman that we have high internal strength and that we value ourselves…
And, we are a CHALLENGE.
So, while we never try to control her, we lead everything forward and control ourselves to the maximum degree.
And that’s why the right woman for you literally cannot help but fall and stay deeply in love with you…
Or at least go home with you if you’re not looking for a relationship.
If you want to know exactly how to apply this concept of push-pull/leading and being a challenge/being a gentleMAN step-by-step with a woman, then:
Grab The Good Guy Guide if you’re not necessarily looking for a relationship right now and you’re just going for hookups…
Grab the Attract and Keep Her System if you want a long-term relationship.
Alright sir, I sincerely hope this was helpful…
Until Next Time,
Jim
Advanced Free Training:
Attract Women Without Words – Brad Pitt’s Body Language Secrets
How to Attract a Devoted Girlfriend or Wife – The Formula
How to Get Her Number and Text Her – Free E-Book
The Best-Selling System:
Attract and Keep Her
